And then, six months later…

The UM4ss M1nutemen March1ng B4nd performing at G1llette Stadium in F0xbor0ugh, MA

Wow. So a lot has happened since June. I’ve really been meaning to make a post earlier in the heat of things but I knew it would be a big time commitment to write everything thoroughly and I was lazy. But I won’t put it off any longer.

So I decided to march OC again this year. L4ra called me while I was sitting in the airport to go to Orientation. I somehow agreed, realizing that my entire summer plans of post-high school euphoria were turned upside-down. Three days later, when I came back, I learned my dog’s health had declined significantly and he was to be put down the next day, the last day I would have before heading off to tour. So while I was running around to places like Target and Rite Aid and packing my bags, he was getting euthanized and it was just so crazy. It hadn’t even hit me yet, because suddenly by the end of that day I was in poop-smelling T1llamook, OR watching OC finish up their full ensemble rehearsal. I got back in July for a couple of days before the second move-in in Scapp00se, but it still hadn’t hit me. Oh, and there was a euph hole and Benjam1n Butt0n filled it, of all people. Almost ruined my summer. But he’s not coming back for sure this year, so things are looking up. Anyway, regarding tour, it was really fun; I loved the show and we were pushed harder than ever before, like without a free day and very limited laundry days. We ended up getting second to BDB at Finals, losing by .3 points, after having Semis canceled because of thunderstorms and beating them by almost an entire point at the Er1e, PA show before that. Hearing them announce us in 2nd place and them in 1st and then walking off the field, skipping the post-full retreat picture taking entirely, was one of the worst moments of my entire life. It was so devastating. All I wanted to do was just not even exist, not be around anybody, not talk. But overall the season was pretty grand. Made a lot of new friends, more fun memories. We ended up beating Casc4des at World Class Semi-Finals which was a huge relief, because ever since 2005ish there’s always been that question of who’s the “better” corps in the northwest and, although we’re different classes, we definitely shut a lot of them up about saying things like, “we’re the WORLD class experience” and stuff like that.

So I get home, and NOW it hits me that Curly’s dead. No one to greet me at the door, no one to say hi to, no kibble on the floor, no poop in the backyard, no one to walk, etc. It was really sad. And by that point my brother had decided to move over to my dad’s house, so my mom was essentially the only person living at our house. Anyway, I had about 9 days at home, where I went to some estate sales, visited my high school’s band camp, and packed and left for college.

At first I hated UMass, I wanted to leave immediately. I was set on transferring even by second semester. I knew going to UMass was a mistake, and I still feel that way, a few weeks after I sent in my forms in late May. My mother had discouraged me from going to UO because “it’s a big fish in a small pond” and to apply to out-of-state schools, even though it was the only school I had any inclination to go to. I could have gotten into really good private schools I’m sure, but I wanted ones that had 1. my major (geography), 2. a big, good marching band, and 3. that were in not-too-hot places. I ended up going with UMass, but only because I was figuring that I could just try something new, like living in a different place. But after the first week of band camp, when I had made some friends (surprisingly) and discovered the large corps presence in the band and how much enthusiasm and pride there was in it, I thought that it wasn’t so bad.

Things were really like a roller coaster though. Through the second or third week of September I had made friends in my section, just like I wanted, reconnected with old ones from Orientation, and I loved it. But after some complications that I was ultimately responsible for in my inexperience I lost some of those friendships, and I grew distant from others for reasons that are still unknown to me. Maybe it’s because I was never meant to be their friends, we simply bonded over the fact that we were all in the same section or marched drum corps, but past that we were completely different people. Meanwhile, I made new friends in the meantime but I just didn’t feel a bond with them, I didn’t feel that we were alike enough. Perhaps I was fearing losing them again like before. Even in November people that I had become really close friends with, lasting months, I grew distant from. I wasn’t sure whether this was natural or because of some inherent social inadequacies or insecurities of mine; I think of myself as a weird person, liking rather obscure and not necessarily “cool” things (I’d rather talk about nature, trees, drum corps, and local history than music, movies, video games, and hilarious anecdotes, which I lack) and also quiet and introspective, which was counter to a lot of the people I yearned to repair my friendships with but never could. Eventually I did meet some great people and I’m friends with them to this day. I’ve changed so much within the past 4 months, each month feeling completely different. I’m accepting that friends change and that it takes a while to find your true friends and I shouldn’t have expected to become best friends for life with the people I meet on the first day.

That just about sums up the social aspect of it. Now, band. Band here is fantastic. It’s everything I wanted: respected, big, corps-style, marching euphs/baritones rather than concert horns, and traveling. We got to go to Bands of America this year, literally a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me and basically any West-Coaster. It was incredible. One of the reasons I wanted to come to UMass, even. The bus rides were especially awesome, mainly because of the people who help make the band great. The people here are fantastically funny and dedicated. A lot of them march corps like Spart4ns (a lot of my close friends here) and C4dets (my section leader, another close friend, and the whole drumline basically (which is supposedly the best in the country, and I’d believe it)). Making these connections, friendships, and corps-to-corps “alliances” (if you will) was really neat. Everyone here loves the band and it’s rich in tradition. It has definitely been the best thing here.

However, I miss home. I want to be able to go home on weekends. I want to be more involved in my city, my high school’s marching band, and the marching band circuit in general. I want to study geography in a place that is meaningful to me, not one that I’ve never lived in before and don’t understand. I want to be able to make career connections at places that are close to my house and relevant. I want to be around my high school friends, the ones that have graduated and are attending college in the area and the ones still in high school. I want to be around people from the same place as me (at UMass a huge problem was my geographic isolation, where I had trouble connecting with people because we were from completely different places and I could not relate to them often). I want to be able to be like with someone, “Hey, you’re from Wallowa?  That’s so cool! I’ve never been there. What’s it like?” Nowhere is as beautiful as Oregon, and I miss the flora and terrain. I want to be somewhere where I know the local history so I feel more a part of the community. I want to maybe go to the Rose Bowl, or at the very least be at a school where the athletics aren’t a joke and students actually are excited about them. I want to go somewhere where I don’t have to pay thousands of dollars for airfares every year. I want to follow in the footsteps of thousands of my fellow Oregonians, not be an “exotic” out-of-stater in a world that is so foreign to me. And it goes on and on and on and on.

Thus, I’m seriously considering transferring. The hardest part is leaving behind everything in Massachusetts. I can’t say it’s been dreadful, as band was really cool and I’ve met a lot of wonderful people that I’d surely miss. But it’s academically, financially, and culturally not worth being all the way out there. I’m getting the impression that the UO geography department is better than UMass’s. I was offered essentially a full-ride to UO which I stupidly turned down; maybe I’d be able to get it again as a transfer student. But maybe not. It might even end up costing more than UMass, sadly. And I’m worried about my credits transferring smoothly. I came in at UMass as a sophomore, and I was planning on double degreeing in geography and environmental science, still being able to take no more than four core classes a term and graduating in four years. I’m worried that I won’t be able to continue on that advanced track if I transfer. What if I took classes at UMass that would count for nothing at UO? I’m driving down to Eug3ne on Wednesday with my friend and we’re going to check out the campus and talk with people. Hopefully by then I’ll have a better idea of what I want to do. And I don’t even have to decide on what to do until May (although add/drop for classes ends at UMass the second week of February, so I’d like to know before then so I can redo my schedule so my classes would transfer better to UO). When I go back, though, I’ll be able to figure out if I want to stay there or not. So wish me luck.

Anyway, I think this is about it. Oh, and my high school band teacher got charged with sex abuse, being in a relationship with a 17-year-old student at his old high school. Unreal. But a lot of witnesses say that the relationship was going on. I don’t want to believe it, but my logical side is telling me otherwise. Maybe that’s why he decided to leave Leban0n, to distance himself after maybe the relationship turned sour and he might have gotten in trouble. And he was raised in the country and Leban0n is in the country as well, so maybe because of the environment he’s been in his whole life (except for UO) he thought it was okay. And he can be kind of dumb sometimes, so maybe he thought he could risk doing this. The news also said he turned himself in. It’s all so awful knowing that this could have happened. But alas, his trial is on February 1st and we’ll see. Until then, we’re all standing by him.
Anyway, leave again January 22nd for my second term of college. Crazy!

 

What people are saying about BHS

Stunning view of the Tualatin Valley taken atop Mt. Williams on the Saturday after the last day of school, also our warmest day of the year so far at a whopping high of 83. Note the vintage-like qualities of the photo… I knew I had to get some shots of the neighborhood in this beautiful weather with my disposable camera while I still could.

Wow, haven’t posted here in forever. Lots have changed in a very short time. I’ve graduated, finished high school. Going to UMass next year. Senior year can be summarized in this: It was okay; I grew a lot and had fun in the traditional senior activities, but it was the most difficult year I’ve had and the whole college process was especially stressful. I’m nervous about UMass; I don’t even remember why exactly I decided on them; Maybe lots of financial aid, out-of-state opportunity, band, etc. Idk. It’s all set in stone. But I’m worried I’ll feel like a foreigner, and the airfares will be a lot. Oh well, that’s the price you pay for living a little.

So, now that you’re up to speed, I’ve saved pretty much all my quote sheets from Yearbook. Here’s everything, I just thought it’d be neat to some of these.

 

“No matter what happens, just keep going and smile.”

“I have no balance, but Winterguard still loves me. That’s pretty strong love, guys. It’s the best sport!”

“You don’t have to be a dancing genius to join [Winterguard].”

“One of the most rewarding aspects of teaching at BHS is seeing so many of my students perform in the Diversity Assembly – Singing, dancing, and proclaiming their pride.”

“The competitions were the most memorable thing this season [in marching band]. Not only do you get to perform and have fun with your peers, but you also get to meet and watch other schools.”

“Being a section leader has been a great experience. Although it’s taken a lot of effort and we didn’t do the best at competitions, I really enjoyed being part of the band, especially the saxophones.”

“Being on drumline and BD5 as a freshman was a great challenge as well as a great experience.”

“This year marks the graduation of my first class of freshmen here at BHS. It’s all been extremely rewarding to witness all of the band seniors grow up and become great musicians and great people.”

“I think that the trip to Hawaii will be an opportunity for everyone to get to know each other better outside of school. Also, we’ll get to play some great music. “

“I am feeling excited about going out to play music in a setting that I’m not used to. The excitement is only amplified due to the fact that we’re going to Hawaii.”

“The band room is always locked on Day 2 after school; it has been open one time. Most of the time, I have to wait 20 minutes to get my stuff from inside. If it is a Wednesday, I usually miss my lesson, which costs $25 unless I call in in advance. The Band Room needs to be unlocked before 2:30!”

“It was gratifying to find I got in [to the Jazz Band of America] because all of the work I put in paid off.”

“Marching band season this year was rewarding, extraordinarily fun, and an ultimately amazing experience. I’m so excited for next season!”

“This year through the Jazz Band, Jazz Combos, and my own independent study, the band program has really given me the freedom and instruction to develop as a musician and refine the skills I will need to pursue music far into the future.”

“Band is a great way to make friends. There is a special bond that I just can’t explain.”

“Becoming part of the band family was one of my best choices as an incoming freshman. Four years later, I truly appreciate what this program has done for me and the many friends that came along with it.

“Music and band is our daily dose of happiness. It gives us the rhythm and harmony of life!”

I thought I had more, but that’s it I guess. Just something to reflect on. Now, off to wasting away my summer sleeping and going on my computer when I should be doing volunteer work, looking for a job, and doing productive work.

 

February

Mr. Gott looks out the window over the roof of the old cafeteria.

The senioritis is finally here, and at the most inconvenient time. I have my World Lit papers to write/revise for IB English and my research paper for AP Euro, both due in early March. Later, I have the lingering worry of AP exams in May. I think I am giving up on taking the AP Euro one, I just haven’t been studying and retaining the information well enough throughout the year, and I feel like it wouldn’t be worth the trouble and stress. So now it’s just AP Bio and IB English, which are in the go. But yeah. I am super stressed (with scholarships and college housing information as well) and I have been getting a habitual 6 hours of sleep every weeknight for the past few months. I am a wreck. I have no energy when I get home and I just go on my computer and veg out instead of doing productive things or my homework. Anyone who says senior year is the easiest clearly has a skewed conception.

Beavert0n History Month is in full throttle. We had Br1an G0tt come in, a janitor at Ra|eigh H1lls for 24 years and BHS janitor from ’81-’88, and he gave us a tour of the school in a historical context. It was absolutely mind-blowing what he said, like how the old business wing used to be a gym. No way! AND he is a Fir Grove, Highland Park, and BHS alumnus! How awesome is that. I am working on getting him a bank of questions to respond to so we can document his extensive knowledge of our town and schools’ history.

Other than that I don’t know what to say. It’s been a few months. I am just trying to survive high school at this point and think about what I want to do with my future.

Happy New Year!

Here’s an example of a quality Yearbook-style photo, compliments of Sha1n W1ederh0lt.

Suddenly everything is approaching all at once. The IB Orals are in two weeks, finals are in three, I have a painting due next week, I have to start planning my World Lit II paper, and in Euro we’re getting a giant research paper soon. Looks like high school’s finally becoming significantly difficult. However, I’m so accustomed to being lazy and procrastinating, going in the day of to due homework that was already due, selecting which assignments to do, and cutting every corner possible, that this new trend of difficulty that has come with Senior Year, from classes like AP Bio, AP Euro, and IB English HL II, will be very difficult to handle. But I’m ready. All I need to do is survive this semester and get (hopefully) all As and I’m set. I’ll pull through!

Yearbook has gotten significantly better. I’ve improved my communication skills with all the editors and I’ve been able to successfully voice my opinions about certain pages and suggestions and it looks like they’re listening. Most of the problems I was cringing over just a few days ago have been dealt with, and that’s extremely relieving. I have a lot of stake in this book, it being the culmination of all four years of high school and my final year. I want it to be extremely meaningful, and that means it needs to be virtually flawless (only talking about major flaws, I can let go of the small stuff). So when people in band think I’m obsessed with Yearbook they just don’t understand. It’s one of my passions now and I’m so glad I did it. I only wish I did it sooner so I could be editor right now. I still have a lot of ideas, like a Current Events page, senior quotes, and photography tips for the class (how to take interesting pictures).

One last thing. Since I’ve had my license and have been driving I feel like I’ve lost some of my connection to the community. When I used to walk everywhere that made me so much more aware of and in tune with my surroundings, and now I can just ho-hum drive somewhere, blowing by everything I used to take much slower looks at. I feel some regret, but driving is soooo convenient that I can live with being more like the average person, oblivious. At least I haven’t completely lost it. Yet…

A Little Memoir

Live, in action…

Transcribed from a video to paper, an interview with Arvid E. Mattson who lives up on Davis Road just east of the powerlines on Mt. Williams.

“”The house up there (up the driveway) is where I lived when I was going to high school. It was built in 1941. We owned 32 acres. He (Matt Arvid Mattson) dedicated 155th through and from the powerline property or what is now park and recreation district property clear back to Cobb’s (?) house that was originally one of the first houses built in the back here. He lived here until the early ’70s. In the early ’60s Johnson (Johnson Creek?) built on 155th and Dave Dimeo (Who is he?) too. The three houses down on the corner (155th and Davis) were probably the first group of houses that were built. The houses along 155th Cook (Who?) built in the early ’70s. I built here in ’86 (the newer house along the driveway).

I went to Beaverton [High School]. I was gone from 1955 to 1986, I lived in other parts of Beaverton and Portland. Chehalem School was built in the ’70s sometime but I’m not sure when.

I own an acre-and-a-half and that’s not going to get developed as long as I am around. She [neighbor up the driveway] says no, not for ten or fifteen years but you never know. I didn’t think the Williams were going to develop back there either because he built a big house in the middle of his acreage and then he decided it was worth more to– I think it was a money thing that he decided to build a bunch of houses around him. I like the room and solitude myself. It’s a way of life I’m used to and I don’t intend to change it unless I have to.

The difference between being in the city limits and not being is about $800 a year. The police come around if you call them, but the county police came around when you called them, the fire is the same; no, I don’t get any benefits. I fought annexation but they say “you will be annexed” so I was.

Fir Grove, Wilson Park; I used to pick apples there. There used to be an orchard on the corner of Murray and Allen, that used to be Wilson Farms. Wilson Park at one time quite a large orchard; nut trees, apple trees, cherry trees. I used to ride my bicycle down Allen Avenue and grab an apple off a tree because it was hanging over the road.”
11/16/2007. It’s a start, could have been longer and more in depth but hey, oh well.

An Uncomfort- able Refresher

My old band teacher’s last name, plus a “t”.

Yesterday we had a parade practice after school in preparation for the Macy’s Holiday Parade tomorrow in Downtown Portland. Ms. Mu||ett, my old 8th grade band teacher, was going to be substituting for Head at the parade since he was unable to make it. Why she would agree to having to deal with a bunch of unruly, apathetic kids? No clue. He must have paid her. But her presence there stirred some forgotten memories and gave me a new perspective on our band.

“I’m a senior, I know how to do a parade,” I thought as I told Mr. Head that I wouldn’t be able to make it after school because I had to make up a bunch of stuff. I said I’d get to the band room as soon as possible, so around 4:00 I arrived. I was really hoping the band had already left to march around the neighborhood or the practice was over entirely, but no. Jose was with me and he needed a ride home but I didn’t want to get stuck in the band room when I had to get my instrument and uniform. The band was rehearsing the music inside and Ms. Mu||ett was there just watching, as it seemed. Jose and I went in the back of the shelf room jokingly attempting to be forgotten. We got to listen to the band play, and man, it was prit-tee bad… Calvin was dreadful at soloing and he kept playing everything up an octave, making that obnoxious squeaky sound. Speaking of obnoxious sounds on clarinets, he kept doing that stupid kazoo-glissando thing in his solo. AGH. HE BUGS ME SO MUCH. HE IS THE POSTER CHILD OF SELF-IMPORTANT BAND KID. I mean, I know I’m vital for the band but 1. I’m not a sophomore who doesn’t know his place and 2. I’m humble and modest in regards to my talents/leadership positions. But anyway…

So we end up playing with the band after all. I had only glanced at the music once before, and my solo was bad (I just forgot how that section of the song went, lol), however it was apparent that I just hadn’t polished it so I felt like I could easily redeem myself. Anyway, that was a bad “first” impression with Mu||ett after not having played directly in front of her since 2007.  We went outside and we were doing horns up and down, basic drills, right? My trombone spit valve got all funky so I dropped out of the exercise to fix it, and she goes, “Come on, Reggie!” I was like (internally), “Wtf?! Sorry, Mr. Head would have let me do it…”. It was really embarrassing being called out in front of the entire band, and being a senior, too. When we were going inside she approaches me and says (paraphrasing), “I know you think you’re the best or the king but you still have to put your horn up with the rest of the band. Has four years been too much?” She said this in a really condescending tone. I was horrified particularly because people would think, “Oh, didn’t he do OC? Shouldn’t he be being a role model? He’s so weak!” I figured people wouldn’t care that much, but still. Did Mu||ett know I did OC? I knew I was giving OC a bad rep at that point. She might have thought, “You did OC and you’re still a joke! What is wrong with you?” Looking back I guess she was just in a bad mood because of how the band was playing poorly and everyone kept talking. I said, sort of to the side, “Yeah, I’ve forgotten what ‘strict’ was!” Meanwhile, we go back to our seats and we’re all talking and shit as usual and Ms. Mullett begins to talk. Paraphrasing, again, “On Friday morning I expect you to be on time. If anyone plays I will take your instrument away. No one will talk.” She really threw it down, I was like, “Daaaaayum!” After she said that the band was the quietest I’ve ever seen it! Then as soon as Mr. Head started talking again the usual side-conversations resumed.

What does this say about Mr. Head’s teaching? I think the first thing he needs to do is really throw it down on us and actually be strict. He tolerates goofing off and talking too much. Sure, he yells at us when it gets out of hand, but it still happens. He has failed to set high-enough standards and expectations. He has failed to portray himself as an authority figure. He just lets students hang out in his office, cuss around him, watch YouTube videos with him, and generally think of him as a classmate rather than a teacher. He can’t get people to take him seriously because people see him as a peer of their level. Once he severs the unprofessional social ties with his students and reforms his image (which will happen over a few years) the band will see improvements. People will take music more seriously and Mr. Head will in fact get more respect.

Done ranting for now. Time to get <6 hours of sleep in prep for the Thanksgiving Day Parade, where I will once again embarrass myself being seen in public with the rest of the band >.<

————

EDIT: 11/26/10, 4:17 pm

The parade wasn’t bad… in the sense that I actually enjoyed it. Of course the usual crap went on: people not knowing music, being out of step, poor posture, bad horn angles. This one 8th grader named Gabriel who is super awkward and looks like it too was there. HE PLAYED TROMBONE. WHY IS MY SECTION CHRONICALLY PLAGUED. He seemed as if he was aware of his situation, you know, of not having a lot of friends/being awkward, but he just chimed in at the most inappropriate times! And he said the wrong things, too, making him seem like a complete drain on the conversation. I kept yelling at him during the parade to keep his horn up (I explained to him what the proper horn angle was before we stepped off) and HE WASN’T EVEN WEARING THE PROPER SHOES. He was wearing a pair of black hiking shoes. HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO THAT. HOW DO YOU FAIL THAT HARD. So after the parade I said (paraphrasing) to him, “If you’re going to march in a high school-level parade then you have to march at a high school level.” I feel like I was too harsh, but I’m right!!! He should have known what he was getting into when he signed up. And MIRANDA, she was behind me and not once played the song right. I said afterward (paraphrasing) to her, “Why would you sign up for a parade if you aren’t going to bother to memorize the music?” She said her mom forced her to do it after she made her quit marching band, as if this was an adequate make-up. UM, NO.

But anyway, to the point of my edit, I talked to Ms. Mu||ett briefly when we were being staged. I explained to her how under Mr. Head my standards just plummeted but when I did drum corps I became a new person. She actually said, “So you felt how it was actually supposed to be.” I did, and when I came back, I said, I was really charged and ready to get stuff done but then after a month it was like, “what’s the use?”. So I reverted to my old lower-standards self. Bleh. But it seemed like we were cool now, so that really made me happy. She was nice when she was talking to me, and I’m glad it seemed like we resolved any grudges she had against me from middle school when I was a total brat. The end!

We’re not a dumping ground for your unsociable and unmusical kids.

Yearbook Troubles

Just some random yearbook goodness, courtesy of Google.

Some sh*t goin’ down in Yearbook, or just me being an immature idiot. God, how do I do it sometimes? Mrs. Nakatan1 is such a hard-ass, although I respect her. I just desperately want to get on her good side, and that’s definitely not happening right now. Here’s a FB conversation I had with Nichole:

Nichole

Me

So what did you tell Emily, anyway?

 

let me paraphrase it… i have since deleted the comment.

“So you’re one of the “high-up” people on yearbook, so that’s why I’m saying this to you. You know the picture on the front page? The one with the B flag. What if we just rotated (or flipped, however you want to call it) the photo so the B is facing the right direction. That would make more sense, correct?”

i had no idea it would be as ill-received as it was.
 

What was the response?
 

Madd1e H4rbolt commented, saying, “We put it like that on purpose. And for the record, Emily is an editor.”

I said, “Haha, okay, that’s what I thought.”

then M0lly Ty|er says, “ohhhhh Emily” and likes Maddie’s comment

WHAT DID SHE MEAN BY THAT

(those 2 things)

 

Dunno, but it IS pretty condescending to phrase it as “high-up”

Particularly with the quotes

 

waaaaaahhhhhh

jk

to my defense, i wasn’t sure if she was an editor or not!

OH.

this reminds me when I called Charles the “president” of French Club

gawd, i’m such an idiot.

WHY DO I MISUSE QUOTES.

BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID

 

INORITE?

So then basically the first thing [my teacher] said in Yearbook today was, “Here’s the YB hierarchy: rookies, returners, returning seniors, editors. If you have a suggestion or comment ask one of the editors in class, not over FB, and don’t be rude.”

And she totally looked at me.

So I was like, “shit, was it really that big of a deal? Why did you have to tattle on my to [my teacher]?”

I want to know whether they told who specifically did it, in which case I’m going to go apologize to her, saying how much of an idiot I was and how I should have asked them in person and how I didn’t mean to seem so condescending, blah blah blah.

 

Common decency tells you a newbie in ANYTHING isn’t supposed to give suggestions to their superiors unless asked, y’know

Imagine if a freshman in band had tried to offer tips on how they thought one of the shows could be improved

 

Well, I would be like, “okay, you’re just a freshman but I will listen to your point.”

And the first thing you said, that makes sense. I get it. I suppose I just had a lapse in common sense.

 

Would you REALLY be that understanding though, or would you be more likely to think, “Wow, I like how he thinks he knows how to do this better than I do”?

 

You know, I honestly would be understanding. But that’s just me? Now, that coupled with me sounding condescending would make me think, if I were an editor, “Um, you’re just a rookie. Shut up.” 

And then I would go on about how they should talk to me about the show privately if they must at all.

But yeah, point is: I’m an idiot.

And maybe Molly/Maddie/Emily were just talking to [my teacher] about how I was just being a problem, rather than tattling on me?

 

What do you mean?

 

Which part should I elaborate on?

 

The last bit. I’m having trouble seeing the differentiation you’re making

 

Maybe they were tactfully complaining about me to [my teacher] as how I complain about Tony to Mr. Head.

 

Probably.

(a few minutes later…)

…lol, you’re the Tony [$]ears of yearbook

Great. Please shoot me.

So maybe I’m having trouble adjusting in Yearbook. I mean, there’s a ton of popular, perky people in it and I don’t have any friends in that class. I have strong acquaintances but that’s it. And in that class you have to be pretty much perfect to not be looked down upon. But I’m still glad I signed up for it. It’s been pretty fun. The work is long but enjoyable, and the sense of control is totally worth it. I also love having access to the old yearbooks~. So yeah. More failing to come.

The End of Marching Band

Marching Band Senior Class of 2011 (with Christine and Jose, honorary members).

Wow. It’s all over. My last season of high school marching band. Today is the day after Championships at UO, and I’ve been stricken with a new-found love for life. Suddenly I have so much more hope, and the future has become much clearer. Everything today seems so beautiful and I feel so relaxed and euphoric. But why am I experiencing this? Surely this new world is no coincidence.

Marching band this year can be summarized into one sentence: “We thought we wanted to win but then we lost our drive.” This happened last year too. At band camp, fresh out of drum corps, ready to apply my skills to the band to get stuff done, I was very excited to start the season. But with the very first block of the day my interest plummeted. The rehearsals were mind-numbing for me because most of the band could not catch up to the seniors’/supervets’/my level. Throughout the season marching band just became a chore and I couldn’t even have fun because we were always getting yelled at, the music was either too easy or too hard (for everybody else), or there was just awful vibes going around.

I blame this half and half on the staff and the students. M1chael Susk1n, who coincidentally came at the same time this downfall occurred, always yells at us and is so negative. Even if he says something nice we can’t take it seriously because of everything else he’s said. And off the field, too, he’s so bossy and acts spoiled. I’ve lost all respect for him because he can’t lead. Dy|an Th0mpson from OC really inspired me by treating us maturely, regardless of how well/poorly we were acting or achieving. His words really got us all to work harder. I felt like he personally cared about me and I didn’t want to let him down by not being the best I could be. But Suskin, I really just don’t care about him. I want to be around him as little as possible because he’s such a miserable person. His negativity has made most of the underclassmen mentally shut down, where they have lost all motivation to do well. And he keeps asking, “What is it going to take? Are you going to step it up?” and while people think they want to achieve they are held back by their inability to motivate themselves which is largely due to Suskin, like I said earlier. Suskin told me “We’re not a band of Reggies” but we’re not a “band of Suskins” either. He, and the staff, need to realize that not everyone will be able to get it right away and things need to be broken down completely in addition to providing positive reinforcement. Since when did negativity ever lead to something positive? Even I lost motivation (but good thing I’m already good so I wasn’t a drain).

(continued on 11/8) And this show, the show that Nate and I arranged/wrote, was never actually meant for Beaverton. I merely showed it to Josh one day and he liked it and wanted to use it for next year. Excited yet concerned, I asked (in these exact words), “Are you sure it won’t be too hard?” His response: “No!” WELL GUESS WHO WAS WRONG. It was awful having to see my precious show be butchered by the musicians, altered for the worse by the staff, and having my name, reputation, and debut plastered on that mess. I should never have let him use my show; having such deep personal stake in your program makes it unbearable when it doesn’t do well, and that really got to me. When marching band was over suddenly it because a thing of the past, foggy and forgotten. It was as if I had just emerged from a cloud into the shining sun. I was so happy to be free.

Next year the show is going to be piss-easy. Calvin and a bunch of other self-appointed-role-model sophomores pretty much took over the band the last week when he made this “BHSME Members for Doing Marching Band Right” group on Facebook, as if the seniors weren’t part of the band or sucked. Yeah, we aren’t the future, you are, but did everything we do for you not matter? We tried our best to make you good but only a few really took our words to heart and the other screwed off. People who I deem good (at or above average for HS marching band) are (in the hornline): Calvin, Jonny, Jeff, me, Dooder, Matt, Brian, Anferny, Nicola, Teri, and Kate. Everyone else is realllly bringing us down, sad to say. But not my problem; I’m leaving next year, it’ll be interesting to say the least how things turn out while we’re gone.

ANYWAY. Speaking of sophomores… band just isn’t that fun SOCIALLY anymore because everyone is so young; the most social people are underclassmen and there aren’t that many upperclassmen to begin with. I find myself hanging out with sophomores/freshmen all the time (or rather they come to me) but I try to stay with people my own age. Example: Savannah and Christine’s Halloween party. It would have been a blast… if there were mature people there my own age. But with all the rambunctious little people it would have felt as if I was babysitting which I do not want. I also don’t want to lose my senior status by being “sucked into” the younger group.

Here’s how I wasted the last two-and-a-half months of my life. Thanks, Beaverton:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p23mq-VAHrs

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So. Life after marching band. I finally got my license (80/100, 16/18 at the DMV, the guy was rude, etc.) the last week of marching band. And I wasn’t even expecting to get my mom’s old car (I needed money for insurance, gas) but she gave it to me and got everything going legally with it! Wow! I am so grateful but I don’t deserve it… I don’t do my chores as often as I should and I’m not home that often now that I sleep mostly at my dad’s house. But I’ll have to pay her back somehow… get good grades, treat her with respect, fulfill my responsibilities, etc.

It’s SOOO convenient having a car. I don’t have to ask for rides anymore, and I can go places even if no one is available to drive me. I can even make detours on my way home after school, like one afternoon I said, “Hell, let’s go to Taco Bell!” and it was like 10 minutes out of my day. Awesome! I drive to school now, and have a lanyard. It feels awesome and I know I have more status now. I was really resentful of those my age who could drive before but now I am realizing that it’s not some selfish ploy to get status (that’s just a benefit) but rather a liberation! There are so many options that are open to me now that I haven’t even thought of yet, it’s wonderful. I recommend that everyone gets their license ASAP if they don’t already and are of legal age to drive.

And I got a cell phone. It’s so convenient as well. Now I don’t have to borrow someone else’s cell phone and if I’m walking somewhere I can call whoever I need to if the need persists. I can also text, being able to talk to my friends when I’m not just at a computer on Facebook. Oh, my life has gotten so much easier lately, in a very bourgeoisie way. It’s great. And I have a hard time believing that a cell phone is unaffordable for my mother so I don’t really feel that guilty.

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Lately I feel like a secretary. I have several sheets of paper with lists of things I need to do, and I always carry them around in my pocket. I can never cross everything off before even more things appear… it causes my life to be very hectic, like there’s never going to be an end to this madness. Sometimes I’ll think, “If I don’t do this will my life end? No.” but then, “It’s on here for a reason, that means it’s important.” But I guess that’s the trade-off for being as busy/involved as I am. And honestly it’s not too bad, it just gets in the way of REAL things I have to do, like homework and college apps (which I have to do, I’ve applied and gotten into UO), and scholarships (need to get crackin’).

More to come later! I lost the will to continue with this huge post, but I’ll share stuff about what’s happening at school soon.

Really Weird Dream

My father’s house in 2002. This is the earliest photo I have of it.

Sorry, no posts for a while… I’ve been saving up, though, I promise! So last night after a really exhausting marching band competition I fell asleep around 11:30 and woke up at 10 this morning. In between then I had a very surreal dream. Now, all dreams are surreal, arguably, because during REM cycles (your dreaming) the logic center of the brain is turned off while other parts are very active. But this particular dream, like many others I’ve had throughout my life, was surREAL. By that I mean it took place in a sort of parallel world that definitely resembled the real one, but things just were different. Perhaps there were forests, fields, or (sometimes historic) buildings where there wouldn’t be today if they were in their exact respective locations, or sometimes the dream would take place in the past (like the 1970s when I dreamed I was visiting my neighborhood as it was being built, where my mom and my grandma lived in the house next to the one I live in today, and I also visited Highland Park in its glory days) (or like when it was the 1970s, Channing Heights Park had a big marsh and I was picking up pine cones and Phil our neighbor was there) or the future (Fir Grove Park was farther west than it was, Wisteria Place was different, and the park had a creek in it, and they were bulldozing it and it was very scary) (or like when Whistling Way was getting renovated, a bunch of trees were cut down next to Channing Park, the park was revamped, and everything seemed much more bleak). I don’t know why the setting of these dreams is the way it is, but I’ve come to call this alternate universe “The Weird World” (I was a little kid when I actually coined it). Whenever I awoke from these dreams I’d feel as if it was still continuing, as if I had woken up inside my own dream, in a trance-like state not sure if I was in the true reality.

 

My favorite of these dreams was when I dreamed it was I guess the 1930s or late 1920s and I was at the place just south of the southern railroad tracks between Cedar Street and Hocken. There were already business parks there (which didn’t make sense) but there were still ancient pockets of forest, houses, and streets I’d never heard of before or seen. It was magnificent. Although these were clearly just figments of my imagination I feel like these occurrences give me insight into the past as if my dreams had been real.

So last night I had a dream… I don’t really remember the focus of it. There was a general store with a large lot in front of it and a wetland-y forest behind it on the SE corner of Hart and Murray, and Hartland Lowami woods extended much more west than they do today. There was not as much development east of Murray as there is today. And most importantly, my dad’s house was located on the SE corner of 22nd and Whistling Court, where we shared a yard with our neighbors to the east and next to their house was Fir Grove Park, which was incorrect because it should have been on the other side of the street. Also, our neighbor to the south had been cutting down their trees a lot, troubling me. Now I have a hunch this vision occurred in an earlier dream as well. It’s interesting how your dreams over the years can build on each other. The Weird World keeps getting more established as my life goes on.

Rising Tension

The tire swing I was sitting in today. Pardon the low-rez picture.

AP Testing. ACTs. SATs. College decisions. Drum Corps. And schoolwork on top of that.

It’s just too much to do at the moment. There is not enough time for me to accomplish everything I want to, everything I need to. I have been studying for these standardized tests to get into a good college. I know I’m going to get into a good college, but how good? I need to go on a personal self-enlightening journey to find what I want to do and set my goals; otherwise, all this college prep CRAP I am willingly inflicting upon myself will be for naught.

And Drum Corps is just getting in the way. I don’t know why I do it; I hate physically working that hard, I hate having to sacrifice my time, it’s a hefty toll on my family’s finances, and I don’t have any good friends that are “exclusively mine” and that I am able to hang out and act comfortably with. I must do it because I know it’s good for me; I’m a perseverer. I keep rationalizing with myself as to why I should stay in Drum Corps: it’s a good workout and a good way to be physically fit; it increases my status in band; it makes me better at my instrument; it’s a priceless experience to tour the country; it gives me a hella nice tan; it forces me to overcome my fear of working my ass off to achieve something great. After all, once June 18th comes around, there’s no going home.

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So yeah. Back to the academics subject… I have been going to the College and Career Center almost every day lately. I know I have to figure out my future. That’s the main thing I’ve been thinking about these past few weeks. I’ve let my schoolwork suffer because of it; after all, what difference will one worksheet make in 10 years when I have a career and my life is figured out? I’ve been asking myself lately, “What’s the point? Can I achieve my ideal future? When and how will I have to settle for something less than I had hoped for? Will I be able to cope? How am I going to survive this next year? How will I survive college? I know I don’t like to work hard so what will I do if I get into a really competitive, rigorous school?” I don’t know, but I have to get my path figured out soon. I want to decided on what colleges to go to by mid May but there are so many factors that are influencing my inclinations: Marching band? Majors/minors? Tuition? Entry requirements? Demographics? Size? Selectiveness? I have to narrow down a list of perhaps 50 colleges to 6 or 7. How am I supposed to do that in less than a month? And with all these distractions like SAT/ACT/AP testing? I need to get my shit together, bottom line, or I’m in for a rough ride.

So today I essentially surrendered to these pressures. I had a rotten day (although I found out I made it into the semifinals round of the National Merit Scholarship contest! a definite plus). I was in the CCC getting college information on who knows what related to colleges and of course, being amazing people, the ladies who work there gave me loads of resources and worked with me personally for at least half an hour on college selections. I didn’t even ask for all this! They’re lifesavers, though. But I have too many resources; too many brouchures, pamphlets, books, websites I have to read. I want to make the right college decision but how will I know I’m making the right one? So all this kind of overwhelmed me. I knew I’d have to unwind, to make space in my schedule for personal meditation of some extent. While I was walking home I decided to sit in Schiffler Park on the tire swing and just think. I was doing this for about twenty minutes when Brandy came along. Her company really brightened my day. We laid in the grass for a while and I kind of just talked about what was on my mind; how I had too many things to do and not enough time, the pressures of college prepping, etc., etc. It really helped to just let my feelings loose, and especially to simply lay in the grass in the sun, temporarily clearing my mind entirely. After her condolences and sympathies I felt way better. I walked home to do some yardwork and then I studied for the ACT. But I wasn’t stressed at all. Now I know that I can do it, I have the power to persevere. I will survive this and I will be greatful for whatever results of my efforts.